April 11, 2011

I have been up since around 3:30 AM this morning. I am really having a struggle with my emotions today. I feel like I am drowning again and I don't understand why. I know that I have a lot to do and I can't seem to find a way to get started. I feel like I am in a bog full of mud and can't get out. I keep praying for help and I know with time it will come. I just need to keep fighting and thinking positive. I just read a post on a young womans blog. She is a friend of one of my friends. She is been fighting cancer for over 10 years. She is an amazing young woman. She just gave a talk at her father's funeral. As I read it on her post I felt her strength and love for her father. She also has such respect and love for her mother. It is really hard to loose a parent I know as I have lost both of mine. I miss my parents at times so much that is hurts. I often wish my mother was here so we could have one of our little talks. She always made me feel better after one of them. As I read several of this young lady's blogs I felt the need to write again in my blog. I know that we are all here for a purpose. I also know that we don't always know why things happen to us. All I know is that we choose to have the lives we are living. We didn't just happen to be. We made choices before we came to this life and now we get to live them. Not always do we feel we can make it through some of those choices but some how we do. I have also come to realize that I can't get through anything on my own. I have a Heavenly Father that will help if I just call on Him. I so often forget to do that very thing and then life gets really hard. I realize that my trials here in this life seem harder than they need to be. Or should I say I make them harder than they need to be. I have often wondered why my life has been spared to often. I finally realize that Heavenly Father loves me enough to give me time to get my life in order before I die. I have alot to repent of and make my life straight with Him. I am so thankful that I was blessed to have the earthly parents that I had and to live in the family I have. I am thankful for the children I have beel blessed with and their sweet families. I can think of know other blessing greater than families.

March 20, 2011

I had the privilege of going to church today. I feel it a privilege because for so long I found excuses for not going and using my health as an excuse. I really enjoyed the meetings today and I stayed for all three meetings. I know the church is true and I really want to be worthy to be with my family for ever. I really want to be with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ forever, too. I know that they love me and will help me through everything if I just ask them to. I have had a bad afternoon because I haven't felt very good. I am hurting really bad this afternoon. I am trying to just fight it and overcome my weaknesses. I know that I am still fighting something but what I don't know. I just need to not worry about it and trust in the Lord. I know that with time things will be revealed and we will know what to do about it. For now I just need to continue on and not fear. Trials are for a reason and to help us grow. I just hope I will be able to do with this trial what Heavenly Father wants me to do with it. I hope I will grow and learn something from this.

March 19, 2011

I went to the Stake Relief Society Social this morning. It was such a wonderful thing to sit with such choice sisters in the church. We learned a lot about the General Relief Society Presidents of the church. I really enjoyed the sisters that I sat by. I feel so blessed this day going to such an uplifting meeting. I hope that I continue to have the desire to attend to all of my church meetings. I also went to the Mesa Temple Visitors Center with John and his family this evening. I am happy that I went and I love the temple. I really have the desire to get my recommend renewed as soon as possible. I miss going to the temple. I really feel the need to go and visit the temple. I love the gospel and I know that my Saviour loves me.

March 18, 2011

Sydnie and I went to breakfast today. After breakfast we went shopping for things to make Great Aunt Janet a birthday card from Sydnie. She did a great job at picking out stuff to make the card. We also found her something red to wear for every Friday in honor of our troops. We both love our freedoms and our country so we wanted to support our freedoms. This was a very nice day.

March 17, 2011

Today has been another good day. Janet took the kids and I to see the movie Rango. It was a cute movie and I really enjoyed it. Sydnie is spending the night with me and that is nice. When she stays with me it isn't as lonely. She is such a comfort when she is around. She just turned 10 and I am amazed at how much she has grown up. She is getting really tall now and gives the best hugs.

March 16, 2011

Today I went in for my colonscopy and endoscopy and all went well. Janet took me and Doctor Borjeson said that I don't have cancer. I see her next week and get the final results of the test. I am sure that what she told Janet is true. I just need to learn to trust in the things I am told. I am tired so I am going to bed early.

March 15, 2011

Today I am doing a prep for a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I am finding that it is hard to drink the prep and I hope that I have drank enough for the test. The prep has made me really sick to my stomach and I have been fighting to keep from throwing up. I am nervous about the test but, I know that all will go well. Janet is taking me for my test. I am grateful for that. I am hoping I get a good night rest.

March 14, 2011

I am thankful for all that I am given. I hope that one day I will be worthy of all that I receive. I had a good day today.

March 13, 2011

I went to Sacrament meeting today and it was wonderful. I know the church is true and I love being a member of the church. Janet and her family sat by me that was nice.

March 12,2011

Kaylie, Sydnie and I went to breakfast this morning. I really enjoy their company. I took the girls and we bought their mother a blouse for her birthday. They really didn't do anything for her and I feel they need to do more for her. I am sad that their father never takes the kids to do anything for their mother. I worry that they aren't learning that it is important to put others first. I worry about my grandchildren and their attitudes. I worry that they aren't putting Heavenly Father first in their lives and what that can mean to their futures. Some of the grandchildren aren't being encouraged to attend their church meetings. I know that when you don't attend your church meetings the world becomes more important than the church. With the way the world is today I worry that we will all fall short and not be ready for when Jesus comes again. I don't know what to do as a grandparent. I encourage them but, I feel like they don't want to hear what I have to say. I guess all I can do is keep trying. I know that Janet feels like we forced her where the church is concerned and that makes me sad. I hope that one day she will realize that we only wanted what was best for her. We have always loved her and her brothers with all of our hearts.

March 11, 2011

I had a hard time sleeping last night and turned on the TV and found out that an 8.9earthquake hit Japan followed by a tsunami. It was so horrible watching such destruction and death. My heart aches for the people in Japan. I can't imagine what this is going to do to the world economy. I wonder what is going to happen here in America that will change people and get them to turn back to Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ. I worry about my family the attitudes some of them have towards each other. I worry about what I am doing to be ready myself for the second coming. I wonder if I will be ready for when Jesus comes again. I love Him and really want to be worthy to live with Him again. I had to get my tires put on today and thank goodness they were there and everything went really well. I am having some pain today so I guess I will keep my appointment for my tests on Tuesday. I am a real coward and am afraid to cancel everything. I am sure that Dr. Borjeson won't find anything wrong. I have been worrying about things for know reason at all. I seem to have trouble just trusting in Heavenly Father and not worrying about every little thing. Kaylie and Sydnie spent the night with me tonight. I really enjoy their company very much. I have been blessed with such special granddaughters.

March 10, 2011

I went in to get my tires put on today and they weren't here yet. I have an appointment at 9:00 AM in the morning. I really hope I won't be making another trip into town for nothing. If they aren't there I will go somewhere else to get my tires. I guess I am being a real pessimistic. I need to work harder on being positive. My color is still really good and I am feeling pretty good. I am waiting to see how I feel tomorrow before I cancel my appointment for my tests. Chris called and ask me to see if Jesse or Sheldon would pull the weeds at the Ashleigh Marie house. Jesse said he would do it so I guess tomorrow he will go over and do it. I will check oh how things with him tomorrow. I am going to bed now. I am really tired.

March 9, 2011

Ron left today and it is really lonely without him. He helps me keep my mind off of my problems. I have decided that I really don't have anything wrong with me and that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. My doctor's are right there is really nothing in my colon. I am even considering canceling my colonoscopy & endoscopy. My pain is gone and my color is better. If things stay this way I will cancel everything on Friday. I have an appointment to get two new tires on the car tomorrow afternoon. They had to order them and the tires will be there tomorrow. Well all is well I will write more tomorrow.

March 8, 2011

Ron is still here and he went to the base to get information about medicare and his ID. He is having a hard time getting everything done where the medicare issue is concerned. I hope that he gets everything accomplished that he needs to do. I went to lunch with a few sisters from the Palm Valley ward today. We do this once a month and it is such a blessing for me. I really enjoyed this time with the sisters. Joyce Vogel does so much for everyone and I feel bad she doesn't feel accepted. She is such a choice person and everyone loves her. I wish she could feel that from everyone. While I was at lunch Ron got the car worked on. I am thankful he took care of this for me. I ended up taking my lunch home and Ron and I had it for dinner. I was so thankful I didn't have to make dinner tonight.

March 7, 2011

Ron came home today, I need him home as often as he can come. With him home I don't seem to dwell on the negative as much. I really miss him when he is gone. He is so helpful to me when he is here. I tire so easily and he helps me around the house when he is here. I know that when he comes home he doesn't really want to help but, I really appreciate it. I have been blessed with a very special husband. He has always been helpful around the house and with the kids. He works so hard to take care of me. I am thankful that he joined the church and that we have a temple marriage. I can't even think what my life would be without him.

March 6, 2011

I wasn't able to go to church this morning. I am still feeling really bad. I am watching the BYU channel and I hope that I can get something of importance out of it. I love my Heavenly Father and I am so grateful for the ways HE has us to learn of Him. I wish I could fight harder I don't want to fail this probationary state. I am so tired all of the time and my abdomen hurts all of time. I just wish I could quit complaining so much. I find that the unknown is harder to deal with than the knowing. I am looking forward to moving into Chris and Tisha's old house. I want to get it organized so I can have people over and share my things with them. I am sure that Janet will be happy when we aren't in her ward. I am sure she will be able to grow more without me there. I ask Heavenly Father to help her become strong so when He calls me home she can endure it. I love my children and their families very much and appreciate them. I miss Chris and Tisha a lot but I know they are happy where they are. Janet has invited me to go to Safford with them next weekend to visit Chris and Tisha I think I will go with them. I need to keep my mind off things that I don't have control of so going with them will be a good thing. I am going to bed now.

March 5, 2011

This has been a long day for me. I wanted to accomplish a lot today and because of lack of energy I didn't get very much done. I find myself feeling so sorry for myself all of the time. I don't pray enough and I definitely don't read my scriptures like I should. I am finding that because of my lack of faithfulness I am getting depressed again. I have blessed so much and can't seem to show Heavenly Father how grateful I am for them. Ron has been really sick this week and he still pushes on I don't know how he does it. I hope that I will be worthy to be his eternal companion. I look forward to the day we can spend more time together. I am going to go to bed now I am really tired.

March 4, 2011

I got a lot more rest last night. I had to go and take Laurel and Ryan to school this morning. Eric will pick them up from school. Eric and Lori gave me $40.00 to help with the gas and that was really helpful. I can't believe the price of gas and how fast it is going up. I worry about what is to come with everything. I seem to worry about everything lately. I try really hard not to dwell on the negative but that is all you hear anymore. I pray I can endure to the end. I seem to fight depression and exhaustion daily. I am in so much pain and I really am trying not to dwell on it. I would love to be a good example for everyone but I am afraid I am failing in that. Kaylie wanted to come and spend the night but I am to tired to go and get her. I have already got my nightgown on and am ready for bed. I wish I felt good enough to go and get her. Maybe she can stay another time. I really love her and love it when she stays with me. I am going to go to bed now.

March 3, 2011

I didn't sleep well last night I only got 3 hrs of sleep. I was up at 5:00 am this morning so I could get to Eric and Lori's on time. Lori has her yearly classes for her job this week and they needed my help to get the kids to school and from school today. The kids got out early at 11:00 am and so I needed to get them. I really enjoyed my time with them. We went to Taco Bell for lunch and Borders Books so the kids could get some books. We then went to Ross 4 Less and got Laurel a journal. She is working really hard to get her Faith in God Award and she needed a journal. Because I was really tired when we got to their house I had to take a rest. When Eric got home I was able to come home. I am so very tired and my side is really hurting. I guess I will take a pain pill and go to bed. I hope I can get more rest tonight.

March 2, 2011

I went to see Dr. Koch today. I really haven't slept well lately so I have been really tired. I am in a lot of pain in my abdomen and left side. We discussed the cause and decided I need to wait until my colonoscopy on the 15th to see what might be happening. In the mean time Dr. Koch ordered me some pain medication. I hope that it helps I really don't want to take it only if I need to. I am going to watch Laurel and Ryan tomorrow and I am really looking forward to that. I love being around all of my grandchildren.

March 1, 2011

Today is Janet Roxanne's Birthday. I can't believe she is 40 today. She is a special daughter and I feel honored to be her mother. I called her first thing this morning and wished her a Happy Birthday. I am going to take her to lunch on Friday for her birthday. I went to see my oncologist today. He was late seeing me and I felt like he really didn't have time for me. He was getting through his patients as quick as he could because he is leaving for India on Saturday. Even though he was trying to hurry he was an hour and a half late seeing me. I felt he didn't have time to even listen to my concerns. I have decided since I left his office to grow up and just accept what happened. I have been in a lot of abdominal pain since I got home tonight. Hopefully it will ease up so I can sleep. Ron left today and I miss him already. It was so nice having him here for a couple of days. He will be back next week for a least one day and night. I talked to my sister Janet and friend DeAnn tonight. They both have pretty good advice. I just wish I could help them more with the things they are going through. I feel like all I do is complain. I am going to go to bed early tonight hopefully I will rest well. I have another doctors appointment in the morning. One day I won't need to go to the doctor as often. I look forward to that day.

February 28, 2011

This has been a really long day for me. I woke up and took Ron to his truck, he had a delivery this morning. I came home and had to rest for a couple of hours. I tried to do some work and then go and pick Ron up after his delivery. He took me to lunch and then we went to John and Mechelle's for a haircut. Mechelle cut my hair really short like I wanted. It has been really hard for me to take care of my hair lately. When we came home I needed to rest again because I have been really exhuasted today. I have been having a lot of pain in my left side. I can't wait to find out what is causing the pain I am in. I want to find the positive in my day but, it has been really hard to do today. Ron is here until tomorrow morning then he leaves for Tennesse. He will be back again next week. I really don't have the energy to write anymore tonight. I will write more tomorrow. We did go to Cold Stones Ice Cream Parlor with John's family for Family Home Evening. We had a very nice time. It is great when we can be with our grandchildren.

February 27, 2011

Today is Sunday and it has been a beautiful day. I went to church and a wonderful family spoke in Sacrament meeting. They talked about the importance of the temple. Because of things that happened in the last year we haven't renewed our recommends. We are going to meet with the Bishop as soon as we can. We both feel the need to get back to the temple. I know that when you are temple worthy you feel so much better about life. I feel the need to go to the temple often. I know that when you attend often you feel closer your loved ones and Heavenly Father. There were a lot of sick children at church today. I had to fight the urge to leave sacrament meeting but, I fought the urge and stayed for all of the meeting. I am so thankful I did. I felt like the talks were meant for me. Last night I started listening to a CD by Joni Hilton about prayer. It is interesting how we think the prayers we are saying is the way we are to pray. But, after listening to her there is so much more to prayer. We all tend to say the same things over and over. We tend to say the things that everyone else says because we think that is what we need to do. She points out how important it is to pray from the heart. She talks about how we seem to ask for the same thing over and over. I know that I am guilty of that very thing. She also talks about how we sometimes get our answer and then we want it changed. We can also get the answer and because we aren't listening we don't recognize it. I know I am guilty of this very thing. I know that I am so afraid that I am not listening the I miss what He is saying to me. Father-in-Heaven loves us so much that he really doesn't want us to suffer. I am learning that when I am suffering it is because I am not listening or I don't like what He has said. I like everyone else want instant answers and I get frustrated when I don't get them. My goal is to work harder on listening and being more patient in getting the answers. I hope I can overcome my weakness in this area. I want to make my prayers more meaningful. I don't want Heavenly Father thinking I really don't care and just want all that I want. I want to become closer to Him and Jesus Christ. When I meet them one day I want to be worthy to be in their presence. I want to be worthy to be with my family and I know that I have to work much harder to do that. As I wait for more tests to be done I hope that patience can set in. I know I have been really stubborn about things in the past. My goal now is to trust in Heavenly Father and what He has for me to do. I have wanted Him to tell me that all is well and that my decisions are okay. I have found out that He has told me that all is well and that I need to think about what my family feels more. Ron is here today and tonight and we have talked about things and I shared with him what I have been feeling. I know the things I decided in the past was the wrong way to go. I have changed my mind and if I am told I have more cancer that I will fight and not give up. I just wanted to give up and do nothing if it is cancer. But, I finally realize that is a very selfish way to think. I need to fight for as long as I can. There is no great gift than life and who am I to give up on it. Heavenly Father surely won't give up on me why am I giving up on Him. He isn't going to forsake me in all of this. I just hope I can do everything He asks me to do with grace and dignity. I know that my family thinks I am wrong in feeling like I might have cancer back but, I need to think of the real possibility. We are never guaranteed that once we have had chemo and radiation that we will never get it again. I just hope that if it turns out that it is back that I can do what ever it takes to fight. I fear the thoughts of chemo and radition but, most of all I am afraid of anymore surgery. Well enough about this I just want to get through each and every day.

February 26,2011

Today has been really hard for me. I have been fighting depression and extreme exhuastion. I am trying to overcome the way I feel so I decided to start this journal online. I am so thankful for the many blessings I receive every day. I have been blessed with a very special family and good friends. Today I spent time with two of my daughters-in-law and their children. I spent time with Lori and Mechelle and enjoyed their company. Lori got her hair done by Mechelle and we then went to a container store for food storage. When we got there it was closed so we will go back another time. I was able to love my sweet little grandson Bryce, he is so little and soft. He loves so unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. I have found that all of my grandchildren love that way. They are so willing to forgive without any question. I wish it was that simple for all of us. Because of the feelings I have had this day I talked to a friend. I came to realize how much Heavenly Father loves us by giving us such good friends. She listened to me and didn't judge me. She loved me inspite of me. That is a wonderful blessing in itself. I am learning how much our Father-in-Heaven loves each of us. I get so discouraged and fall so short in the things I should be doing. I worry about everything and what I need to do to overcome it. I worry about my health and what it means to my family. I worry about falling short and not enduring to the end. I have had a lot of time over the last few weeks to think about life and death. I want to be a good person but I fall short so often. I have been able to look at the wonderful examples that has been in my life. I have thought about my mother and all of her strengths. Yes, she had her weaknesses but, she had alot more strengths. I remember when she had an anyurism of the brain rupture and facing a surgery, and then a coma how she worried about all of us. She never once thought about herself and what was happening to her. She was worried about her grandchildren and that her Christmas wasn't finished for them. She set a great example for all who knew her. How grateful I am for such a loving and caring mother. I miss her and look forward to the day we meet again. I've been reflecting on Lori's sweet mother who suffered alot and never complained and died with grace and dignity. I remember my Aunts that lived righteous lives and set examples of dignity for all of us. I remember a young friend of mine when I was 12 and how her death brought our primary class closer together. How lucky we were to sing at her funeral about being A Child of God. I remember the lose we all felt at the time and how much we missed her. But, as time has gone on I realize that she will meet us again one day. I am so thankful for the knowledge that there is life after death. That we can live with our loved ones again. I remember losing my baby boy and knowing that I will see him again one day. The blessings I have received are many. One of the greatest blessings is the sweet companion I have been blessed with. He has stuck with me through thick and thin. When most men would have left their wives he stayed with me. I know that it hasn't been easy for him but, I know that he loves me. I am so thankful when the missionaries came he listened to them and joined the church. Yes, I have been truly blessed and I am sure there are many more blessings to come.