February 27, 2011

Today is Sunday and it has been a beautiful day. I went to church and a wonderful family spoke in Sacrament meeting. They talked about the importance of the temple. Because of things that happened in the last year we haven't renewed our recommends. We are going to meet with the Bishop as soon as we can. We both feel the need to get back to the temple. I know that when you are temple worthy you feel so much better about life. I feel the need to go to the temple often. I know that when you attend often you feel closer your loved ones and Heavenly Father. There were a lot of sick children at church today. I had to fight the urge to leave sacrament meeting but, I fought the urge and stayed for all of the meeting. I am so thankful I did. I felt like the talks were meant for me. Last night I started listening to a CD by Joni Hilton about prayer. It is interesting how we think the prayers we are saying is the way we are to pray. But, after listening to her there is so much more to prayer. We all tend to say the same things over and over. We tend to say the things that everyone else says because we think that is what we need to do. She points out how important it is to pray from the heart. She talks about how we seem to ask for the same thing over and over. I know that I am guilty of that very thing. She also talks about how we sometimes get our answer and then we want it changed. We can also get the answer and because we aren't listening we don't recognize it. I know I am guilty of this very thing. I know that I am so afraid that I am not listening the I miss what He is saying to me. Father-in-Heaven loves us so much that he really doesn't want us to suffer. I am learning that when I am suffering it is because I am not listening or I don't like what He has said. I like everyone else want instant answers and I get frustrated when I don't get them. My goal is to work harder on listening and being more patient in getting the answers. I hope I can overcome my weakness in this area. I want to make my prayers more meaningful. I don't want Heavenly Father thinking I really don't care and just want all that I want. I want to become closer to Him and Jesus Christ. When I meet them one day I want to be worthy to be in their presence. I want to be worthy to be with my family and I know that I have to work much harder to do that. As I wait for more tests to be done I hope that patience can set in. I know I have been really stubborn about things in the past. My goal now is to trust in Heavenly Father and what He has for me to do. I have wanted Him to tell me that all is well and that my decisions are okay. I have found out that He has told me that all is well and that I need to think about what my family feels more. Ron is here today and tonight and we have talked about things and I shared with him what I have been feeling. I know the things I decided in the past was the wrong way to go. I have changed my mind and if I am told I have more cancer that I will fight and not give up. I just wanted to give up and do nothing if it is cancer. But, I finally realize that is a very selfish way to think. I need to fight for as long as I can. There is no great gift than life and who am I to give up on it. Heavenly Father surely won't give up on me why am I giving up on Him. He isn't going to forsake me in all of this. I just hope I can do everything He asks me to do with grace and dignity. I know that my family thinks I am wrong in feeling like I might have cancer back but, I need to think of the real possibility. We are never guaranteed that once we have had chemo and radiation that we will never get it again. I just hope that if it turns out that it is back that I can do what ever it takes to fight. I fear the thoughts of chemo and radition but, most of all I am afraid of anymore surgery. Well enough about this I just want to get through each and every day.