February 28, 2011

This has been a really long day for me. I woke up and took Ron to his truck, he had a delivery this morning. I came home and had to rest for a couple of hours. I tried to do some work and then go and pick Ron up after his delivery. He took me to lunch and then we went to John and Mechelle's for a haircut. Mechelle cut my hair really short like I wanted. It has been really hard for me to take care of my hair lately. When we came home I needed to rest again because I have been really exhuasted today. I have been having a lot of pain in my left side. I can't wait to find out what is causing the pain I am in. I want to find the positive in my day but, it has been really hard to do today. Ron is here until tomorrow morning then he leaves for Tennesse. He will be back again next week. I really don't have the energy to write anymore tonight. I will write more tomorrow. We did go to Cold Stones Ice Cream Parlor with John's family for Family Home Evening. We had a very nice time. It is great when we can be with our grandchildren.

February 27, 2011

Today is Sunday and it has been a beautiful day. I went to church and a wonderful family spoke in Sacrament meeting. They talked about the importance of the temple. Because of things that happened in the last year we haven't renewed our recommends. We are going to meet with the Bishop as soon as we can. We both feel the need to get back to the temple. I know that when you are temple worthy you feel so much better about life. I feel the need to go to the temple often. I know that when you attend often you feel closer your loved ones and Heavenly Father. There were a lot of sick children at church today. I had to fight the urge to leave sacrament meeting but, I fought the urge and stayed for all of the meeting. I am so thankful I did. I felt like the talks were meant for me. Last night I started listening to a CD by Joni Hilton about prayer. It is interesting how we think the prayers we are saying is the way we are to pray. But, after listening to her there is so much more to prayer. We all tend to say the same things over and over. We tend to say the things that everyone else says because we think that is what we need to do. She points out how important it is to pray from the heart. She talks about how we seem to ask for the same thing over and over. I know that I am guilty of that very thing. She also talks about how we sometimes get our answer and then we want it changed. We can also get the answer and because we aren't listening we don't recognize it. I know I am guilty of this very thing. I know that I am so afraid that I am not listening the I miss what He is saying to me. Father-in-Heaven loves us so much that he really doesn't want us to suffer. I am learning that when I am suffering it is because I am not listening or I don't like what He has said. I like everyone else want instant answers and I get frustrated when I don't get them. My goal is to work harder on listening and being more patient in getting the answers. I hope I can overcome my weakness in this area. I want to make my prayers more meaningful. I don't want Heavenly Father thinking I really don't care and just want all that I want. I want to become closer to Him and Jesus Christ. When I meet them one day I want to be worthy to be in their presence. I want to be worthy to be with my family and I know that I have to work much harder to do that. As I wait for more tests to be done I hope that patience can set in. I know I have been really stubborn about things in the past. My goal now is to trust in Heavenly Father and what He has for me to do. I have wanted Him to tell me that all is well and that my decisions are okay. I have found out that He has told me that all is well and that I need to think about what my family feels more. Ron is here today and tonight and we have talked about things and I shared with him what I have been feeling. I know the things I decided in the past was the wrong way to go. I have changed my mind and if I am told I have more cancer that I will fight and not give up. I just wanted to give up and do nothing if it is cancer. But, I finally realize that is a very selfish way to think. I need to fight for as long as I can. There is no great gift than life and who am I to give up on it. Heavenly Father surely won't give up on me why am I giving up on Him. He isn't going to forsake me in all of this. I just hope I can do everything He asks me to do with grace and dignity. I know that my family thinks I am wrong in feeling like I might have cancer back but, I need to think of the real possibility. We are never guaranteed that once we have had chemo and radiation that we will never get it again. I just hope that if it turns out that it is back that I can do what ever it takes to fight. I fear the thoughts of chemo and radition but, most of all I am afraid of anymore surgery. Well enough about this I just want to get through each and every day.

February 26,2011

Today has been really hard for me. I have been fighting depression and extreme exhuastion. I am trying to overcome the way I feel so I decided to start this journal online. I am so thankful for the many blessings I receive every day. I have been blessed with a very special family and good friends. Today I spent time with two of my daughters-in-law and their children. I spent time with Lori and Mechelle and enjoyed their company. Lori got her hair done by Mechelle and we then went to a container store for food storage. When we got there it was closed so we will go back another time. I was able to love my sweet little grandson Bryce, he is so little and soft. He loves so unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. I have found that all of my grandchildren love that way. They are so willing to forgive without any question. I wish it was that simple for all of us. Because of the feelings I have had this day I talked to a friend. I came to realize how much Heavenly Father loves us by giving us such good friends. She listened to me and didn't judge me. She loved me inspite of me. That is a wonderful blessing in itself. I am learning how much our Father-in-Heaven loves each of us. I get so discouraged and fall so short in the things I should be doing. I worry about everything and what I need to do to overcome it. I worry about my health and what it means to my family. I worry about falling short and not enduring to the end. I have had a lot of time over the last few weeks to think about life and death. I want to be a good person but I fall short so often. I have been able to look at the wonderful examples that has been in my life. I have thought about my mother and all of her strengths. Yes, she had her weaknesses but, she had alot more strengths. I remember when she had an anyurism of the brain rupture and facing a surgery, and then a coma how she worried about all of us. She never once thought about herself and what was happening to her. She was worried about her grandchildren and that her Christmas wasn't finished for them. She set a great example for all who knew her. How grateful I am for such a loving and caring mother. I miss her and look forward to the day we meet again. I've been reflecting on Lori's sweet mother who suffered alot and never complained and died with grace and dignity. I remember my Aunts that lived righteous lives and set examples of dignity for all of us. I remember a young friend of mine when I was 12 and how her death brought our primary class closer together. How lucky we were to sing at her funeral about being A Child of God. I remember the lose we all felt at the time and how much we missed her. But, as time has gone on I realize that she will meet us again one day. I am so thankful for the knowledge that there is life after death. That we can live with our loved ones again. I remember losing my baby boy and knowing that I will see him again one day. The blessings I have received are many. One of the greatest blessings is the sweet companion I have been blessed with. He has stuck with me through thick and thin. When most men would have left their wives he stayed with me. I know that it hasn't been easy for him but, I know that he loves me. I am so thankful when the missionaries came he listened to them and joined the church. Yes, I have been truly blessed and I am sure there are many more blessings to come.